home Best and Worst Of The Best & Worst Of (Vol. II): Worst Basketball Movies

The Best & Worst Of (Vol. II): Worst Basketball Movies

 

Worst Basketball MoviesWe are happy to introduce our new summer series which we will call the ‘Best and Worst Of’. Each week, our team of writers will vote on the best and worst of a variety of NBA topics. We will tally the votes from our 12 contributors and then assign one of our writers to explain what the hell we were thinking. We hope you enjoy and provide your own commentary and voting at the end of each segment.

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This week, our focus is on the best and worst basketball movies of all time. At first glance one would question whether or not there is even enough movies to warrant a top and bottom 5 but after our team reviewed the choices and with some help from Google, IMBD and YouTube we found more than enough to wet the pallette. So without further adieu here is Vol. II – The Worst, narrated to us by Zain Zaidi.
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220px-Eddie_poster1. Eddie

A basketball movie with Whoopi Goldberg as its protagonist. As the great Shyne said, “Need I say more, or do you get the point?”

The director, Steve Rash, directed the classic “The Buddy Holly Story” in 1978.  I am curious as to what hard drugs compelled him to make this 1996 dud, or the two “Bring It On” sequels he made in 2006 and 2007. Although I enjoyed one of them, as I am partial to Hayden Panettiere, its filmmaking at its worst. Just for kicks and giggles, let’s read some of the reviews to sum “Eddie” up.

“The next hour or so is filled with the Knicks committing turnovers, until a player tells Eddie they’ll keep losing until she takes an interest in their personal lives. Wow!” — Bruce Walker of the Washington Post

“I don’t know where but his reviews are hilarious” — Scott Renshaw of the Salt Lake City Weekly

It’s a movie that makes you feel cheated and offended, because someone came up with a poster and a marketing plan to which they had to attach an actual movie, and you had the nerve to believe it was going to be a comedy.

Whoopi Goldberg does make some strong attempts to keep this movie afloat. However, as believable as it could be that an owner would aim to embarrass his franchise with a ridiculous coaching hire just to boost curiosity, it’s complete BS that any professional basketball player would ever come  around to playing for someone who looks and talks like the main character. There were players that didn’t like playing for Phil Jackson. P.J. Carlesimo is a respected basketball mind and one of his players choked him. I’m supposed to believe that the players played for “Eddie” because she showed one of them how to romance his wife? When’s the last time you seeked marital advice from someone with no eyebrows? Perhaps you should seek a therapist. After playing Sister Mary Clarence, Whoopi should have just retired and went down as one of the greats to do it, but she had to tarnish her reputation with this one. The only thing this movie has going for it is the imagination it took to find a worse coach for the Knicks than Isiah Thomas.  Ok…ALMOST worse. I think even Stephon Marbury would play hard for Eddie.
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MV5BMTcxNDYzNjUxNV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwODM4Njk2._V1_SY317_CR0,0,214,317_2. Like Mike

If there is one thing I hate more than corniness itself, it’s someone who embodies corniness. Lil Bow-Weezy is the main culprit in this flick. His obsession with rapping about basketball foreshadowed acting in a movie about it, and alas, here we are. This one has all the makings of a crappy movie (predictable plot, no discernable climax, poor script, Morris Chestnut).  Sidenote: Why is Morris Chestnut always the responsible and successful hard-bodied hunk in every movie? Why can’t he just be a piece of crap for once? I’d pay to see a movie where Morris Chestnuts life is in shambles, and the plot chronicles how he sucks at relationships and can’t get a job. Just for shock value and to make myself feel better about my horrible body composition and lack of success in my personal endeavours.

I digress.  Eugene Levy shines bright as always, only because he manages to steal scenes the most, while doing or saying the least. The most hilarious thing about this movie is that it has Jonathan Lipnicki in it. Most people will not remember the name, but he was the adorable kid in “Jerry Maguire” that Jerry Maguire himself falls in love with, leading to him marrying Renee Zellweggers character (Because face it, nobody actually falls in love with someone who looks and talks like Renee Zellwegger).


The funny part about it is that the kid isn’t cute in this movie. This movie is 6 years after Jerry Maguire. He looks exactly the same but 6 years older. It’s actually kind of creepy.

Jonathan_Lipnicki
^Adorable

likemike03
^Not so much…
[divide]220px-Juwanna_mann3. Juwanna Man

This movie’s tagline is “The only way he can stay pro, is to play like a girl.”

Now they don’t directly mention that this is based on Jan Vesely’s career but I guess they wanted to be subliminal about it.

Sometimes I feel bad for bashing the lead roles in these films, so then I look towards the directors. The director of this film was Jesse Vaughan. Juwanna Mann is the ONLY movie Jesse Vaughan ever directed, and if you watch the movie there’s a good reason for that. Was it his idea to cast Miguel A. Nunez as the MAIN character in this movie?

Let’s go through Miguel A. Nunez’ career for a moment. He plays THIS guy in Friday the 13th Part….wait for it…wait for it…PART FIVE

friday-the-13th5demon

He played Dee Jay in the Street Fighter movie.

His most recognizable movie title appearance was Lethal Weapon 3. His role?

“4th Squad Member”.

But most people remember him as C-Note’s business apprentice. And that’s sad.

The plot of this movie, in which a man poses as a female in order to play in a certain league or sport, has been done over so many times. Usually it is entertaining just because of the transformation that we see, and the reactions of those who observe it. However, nothing about this movie is entertaining. Except perhaps…the infamous…Puff Smokey Smoke.

Vivica Fox is also in this flick, but 10 years too late. Instead of “Booty Call” Vivica, we get post 50 Cent Vivica. There’s also a Wayans family member in it. If you were hoping for Marlon, Shawn or Damon, you’ll be sorely disappointed. We get stuck with Kim Wayans, and having to endure Ginuwine’s acting and weird hairline. It looks like BP had an oil spill on the crown of his head.

John Puccio of Movie Metropolis writes: “…about as exciting to watch as two last-place basketball teams playing one another on the final day of the season.”

Wizards fans can relate to that from a few years back. We are thankful that we have a sense of optimism that those days are over.
[divide]185px-Air_bud_poster4. Air Bud

Reading over the cast of this movie, I struggled to figure out who half of these people are. One is a minor character from Sister Act (Sister Mary Clarences flock lives on), the other plays the old man in New Jack City that shoots Wesley Snipes and the voodoo wizard in “I Still Know What You Did Last Summer”, and one of the main characters played Father Ignatius in…*drumroll*

Sister Act II.

The director, Charles Martin Smith, acted in “The Buddy Holly Story”, which was notably directed by Steve Rash, who is responsible for the worst basketball movie of all time in our opinion, “Eddie”. This is like playing “Six Degrees of Crappy Directors”.

This movie is about a dog…who plays basketball. The tagline for the movie was: “He Sits. He Stays. He Shoots. He Scores.”

Sounds like Jan Vesely, minus the shooting and scoring part. He only sits. Hopefully, he doesn’t stay.
[divide]Baseketball5. BASEketball

Can’t even front. This movie had its moments of hilarity. As bad as it, and as poorly constructed as it is, there are times where you find yourself engaging in the guilty pleasure that is laughing at anything that Trey Parker and Matt Stone concoct. At the end of the day, the characters have created their own custom rules for basketball, and that is blasphemous for basketball purists. Nate Archibald would be livid if he saw such a thing, then again most people from 50+ years ago would feel the same way if they half of the stuff that South Park portrays as quality comedy. This movie isn’t as vulgar as South Park at its worst, but it is as aimless. This film was directed by David Zucker, who gets a little bit of credit here as he did direct “Airplane”, “Top Secret!”, and “The Naked Gun”.

 

2 thoughts on “The Best & Worst Of (Vol. II): Worst Basketball Movies

  1. As a DMV website, I feel like we may have given Kevin Durant a pass here. But there is no doubt “Thunderstruck” should have been in the running here, possibly in Basketball’s place:

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