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Kevin Durant Turns Wizards Fans Into ‘Mad Men’

Look Don, I understand that Kevin Durant is a free agent. The key word being “free.” He’s free to do aaaaaanything he wants. If he wants to eat ice cream for breakfast, cool. I can respect that. He’s a grown man. Although I don’t understand why anyone would want to eat ice cream for breakfast. I remember the one time you made me do it. I had a horrible tummy ache. That was pretty messed up.

ice cream

Jesus, Draper. I was kidding. You’re not terrible for making me eat ice cream. Just like Durant isn’t terrible for essentially dismissing the Wizards. You’re terrible for generally being a prick and self-absorbed ego-centric pompous adulterer. Kevin Durant is terrible for not acknowledging all of the sacrifices (by granting them a meeting) the Wizards made to show him “Hey! Look at us! We really like you. Let’s grab dinner sometime.” It’s like he saw our text and completely ignored it. I mean, holy cow.


You like steak though, right? Everyone likes steak. Anyways. We sent a read-receipt, dawg. We know he knows how we feel about him. At the time everyone wrote their articles and posted their tweets about how D.C. was in Kevin Durant’s heart and how he would love to play for his hometown and blah blah blah. “Hey I’m Kevin Durant and D.C. is a huge part of my life, I grew up there and, and, and…

go home

YEAH. Kevin Durant has to come home, right? Lebron did it. Summer of 2016 epiphany – Now the Wizards aren’t even a contender. I mean, come on KD, can we at least grab some coffee? Even if we have as much of a chance as Lloyd Christmas had with Mary Swanson, at least tell us that we had a chance. It’s one thing if your crush lets you down gently, it’s another if she doesn’t even acknowledge your existence. I’m tired of the team being treated like this. People treat the Wizards as if they’re that person in the room that blends in with the wallpaper. Durant basically hammered that point home. KD basically listened to us spew on about how much we love him and how much we’d worship him if he came here and he basically said…I mean…he implied…

YES! But maybe that’s just the vibe I’m getting from KD. What I think people have said about the Wizards in the last 6 months about their rep and standing in the league, well, that makes me angrier. All this talk about how we have nothing to offer and “who would want to even play here?” I don’t like what is being said, AT ALL.

Alright. Cool. Maybe we need to stop bitching about the lack of attention we get and actually do things to make people pay attention. That is what you’re saying right? We need to stop talking the talk and start walking the walk. The Wizards need to make 25 consistent and solid moves in a row so that the 26th most recent move of resurrecting Kevin Durants childhood pet and making him a potential 2017 Wizards mascot is a tiny speck in our rearview mirror. Okay, fine. The Wizards didn’t do that. But if they did, would it be surprising?

“Wizards hire Kevin Durants childhood imaginary friend ‘Deontay’ as imaginary assistant to the GM.”

Let me stop being harsh. Because if you really sit down and look at this team and the culture of it, what would even entice Kevin Durant more than the Spurs, Warriors, and even the Celtics? Our stowed-away Wizards franchise highlight reel for the JumboTron probably has Gilbert Arenas’ pregame guns-a-blazin’ video as the closing piece. It’s the “I knew it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart,” of our Godfather. It’s our legacy. What do we have to offer?!

We can promise the keys to the city, but every team is essentially doing that. We can’t promise happiness.

Okay, so let me elaborate. Happiness is different to everybody. Money makes some people happy. Yes, they always say money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy you a mansion, Ferrari, the attention of a top 10 Instagram model, and those million thread count Egyptian Cotton bed sheets that boring housewives are always fawning over.

Kevin Durant can get a max contract anywhere he goes. So it’s not money. He wants to play on a good basketball team and WIN. He’s not trying to win in the 1st round. The guy was just in the Western Conference Finals after beating a Spurs team that is worlds better than us. We didn’t even make the playoffs! I guess hindsight is always 20/20. I just thought Kevin Durant seemed like more of the hometown hero than the guy who wanted to jump on the team that just won 73 games.

You’re right. Wait, what the hell are you writing? And why are you wearing a bathrobe?


That’s better. Got a bit worried about you there. Remember, I’m writing the article about this. Back to what I was saying. He might end up staying back in Oklahoma City though, and all of this will be for nothing. Imagine that. All this drama and all of these free agent visits and then he stays with the Thunder.

I guess you’re right. They were a win away from being in the Finals for the 2nd time. He’s made it pretty clear he wants to win a title, and that is the ultimate goal. I remember when they lost to the Miami Heat and he was crying in the tunnel afterwards. BAWLIN’. SOBBING! He took it hard. He hates losing. Then again he was very young so maybe he was being overly emotional and immature at the time.

True, true. The Wizards just can’t offer the level of talent and flexibility other teams can. Yeah, John Wall is very good. However, Bradley Beal is a question mark. Gortat is getting long in the tooth. We’re still waiting for Otto Porters chinstrap to connect. We did hire Kevin Durants former Thunder coach, but I mean…he got fired. Does KD want to play for him again, as much as he says he does? I mean it’s the kind and politically correct thing to do to praise Scott Brooks but doesn’t mean he wants to shackle himself to him for another few years. Also, we have money but we don’t want to spend it. Oh wait, yeah we do. We want to spend it on JOAKIM NOAH. A 31 year old center that’s had knee and shoulder surgery in the last two years and turns 32 before the season even begins. Yeah, sure. Let’s just give him 25 million a year. Sure. We have all this salary cap money and we want to spend

Jesus, Don. Tell me how you really feel.

Okay, okay. I get it Mr. Sociopathic Antihero who cheats on his wife constantly without remorse.

But yeah, understood. That’s what the money is for. Doesn’t mean you just spend it on anyone just to make a move. That is so Vinny Cerrato. The rumors about signing Noah were apparently just that, rumors. But come on…as mad as we were when we heard those rumors, we took them seriously because that move was sooooo Wizards. I digress…our roster isn’t as good as the Warriors and the Spurs and probably even the Celtics. Most teams draft better than we do. Those teams have more of a winning culture than we do. What are we offering besides being close to Seat Pleasant, where Kevin Durant grew up? People strive for success to GET OUT of places like that, not go back. Who did we think we’re trying pitch here, Styles P.? Tony Yayo? Gah. Hey buddy, sign with us and you’ll be closer to all of the people that you prefer to speak to through text!

Why does this always happen to Washington sports teams? We are cursed. When we have the tools, something unfortunate happens. When we have a chance, we always find a way to screw it up. Most of the time the ball never bounces our way, especially when Kwame Brown was trying to catch entry passes. This only happens to us.

Okay, okay. Have a seat. You’ve convinced me Don. The Wizards need to change the conversation. When their name comes up, the first thing that needs to come up is how well they play basketball. An understanding of their identity needs to be acknowledged. The universe is indifferent. There is no curse. The Redskins made sweeping changes to their staff and their philosophies and look at them now. They’re a team on the rise. People trust Scott Mcloughan. They have more faith in the organization than they’ve had in a while. The Wizards need to make good moves and they need to make them consistently.

Until then we can’t blame anyone but ourselves. Maybe Ernie Grunfeld will become a better GM, I don’t know.


Ugh. But then what do we tell the fans? They’re heartbroken. They’re used to Grunfeld by now but this Kevin Durant let-down is painful. They didn’t manage their expectations properly for two whole years. You have an angry, upset, disgruntled Wizards fan in front of you. Don Draper, master of all that is charming and manipulative, WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THEM?


WOW. I’m melting. That was amazing. Especially the way you’re gazing a hole into the spot between my eyes. GAH. I don’t know why the fuck you’re doing air-quotes though. Kind of pretentious. But I totally agree. We’ve got to have a short term memory. Time to move on.
Thanks Don.

So…Dude. How do you feel about everything I’ve said? What do YOU think? I think everything I said was pretty spot on.


Yeah, I KNOW that. But I cover the team and I know a lot about basketball. And Don here, I mean…he’s…

Damnit Draper. This is done. I can’t handle this. First Kevin Durant not giving us a meeting, now you idiots can’t stop arguing. Wait a minute, where’d my dining room table go? And my rug? They’re missing. What the.

Screen Shot 2016-07-01 at 1.04.03 PM

Alright. Forget it. This is too much. I’ve been robbed of my things and now Wizards fans will be robbed of a franchise superstar. But were they really robbed? We never had it. You can’t be robbed of something you never had. We never had Kevin Durant. We deserved an audition though, right?

Noooooooo. You not listenin’.

The last year was the audition. The point was to show what the best of this team and city has to offer. The team certainly didn’t offer winning. It didn’t offer a variety of assets or trading chips. It didn’t offer a team that was on an upward trajectory. It offered fans that were more into what could be than what actually was. It offered a scenario where the Instagram rants of a polarizing ex-player that brought guns into the locker room made more waves than the actual product on the court. As for the city…

The city offered everything Kevin Durant already knew. It doesn’t make him less of a man than Lebron James because he didn’t come back to his hometown and try to win with the city on his back. Lebron came back to his hometown and won a championship and completely changed the perception of Cleveland as a sports town, and that is an admirable thing. However, let’s just remember that he only was able to come back to Cleveland because he was the one who left in the first place.

Why did he leave?

To win a championship.

Maybe that’s the next part of the journey for Kevin Durant, after this chapter closes. Perhaps he goes to the Golden State Warriors and wins a couple of titles and decides that he wants to come back to D.C. after his stay there runs its course.

He’ll have some of the pressure taken off of his shoulders and the city will rally around him and we’ll win an NBA championship in the most climactic and cinematic fashion possible. Bonchon will open up more D.C. locations as a result. Durant expresses an interest for Chick-Fil-A to be opened on Sundays and they make his wish their command. The creators of “The Wire” decide to do a comeback 6th season based in Washington D.C. after they see all of the attention KD brings back to the District. RGIII finds motivation in Durant’s story and takes a veteran minimum deal and leads the Redskins to a Super Bowl in a season where he throws 57 touchdowns and 0 interceptions.

Or maybe the Wizards whiff on Durant once and for all time and they decide to sign Harrison Barnes to a max-deal.

Kevin Durant

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