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A guide to understanding why having ‘The Hammer’ in D.C. is great

Having my short-lived sports media venture begin the summer before the shortened 2012 NBA season, I wouldn’t say my initial exposure to the Wizards locker room was very tasteful. Despite my awe and somewhat star-struck emotions being in position to fulfill various childhood dreams (often times wet), the post Gilbert – sophomore Wall – Swaggy P/Pierre/7Day Big 3 – new logo’d Wizards didn’t impress me much as you can probably imagine. I mean, the most indelible of moments from that era was JaVale’s apathetic, yet infamous “can’t say that I do” remark, and the tail end of Andray Blatche’s tenure in DC which was mostly comprised of him spilling his emotions to the media about the merciless boos from fed up fans at the Phone Booth. Of course, it was the lack of winning that triggered these insufferable times in DC, which was triggered by a dense locker room comprised of the utmost bone-headedness and a collective IQ comparable to Lloyd Christmas. There was no catchy quotable, no intriguing tweets, and no shareable Instagram posts. I was practically covering a team that was in shambles only to create my own jokes and puns at their expense.

Fortunately, the ambience of the team would change over the next two years. It wouldn’t be long before I was exposed to Martell Webster’s hysterical videobombs, an extremely composed and mature John Wall, some heavy foreign accents (via KS, Nene, and Honza), and really best of all, a man with a lighter foreign accent but a vicious nickname – The Polish Hammer, aka Marcin Gortat.

When the Wizards made their last minute trade for Marc (not exactly sure how to spell the short version of Marcin, but please don’t pronounce it ‘Mark’) right before the start of the 2013 season, there was certainly some natural concern the fans and media had as to how soon he’d converge systematically with a new team and more importantly, how well he’d fit in with his teammates and in the locker room. What we’d learn from the start was by no means a disappointment.

The initial observations I made of Marc obviously came from inside the locker room, where he displays a pretty blunt demeanor when addressing the media during his post-game interviews. He’ll tell it like it is, hold himself accountable for whatever he feels necessary, subtly express his frustration over whatever’s bothering him, and yes, he’ll crack a witty joke every now and then as well. The most appeasing thing about Gortat is that, while he lets off an extremely personable vibe to the media, he doesn’t hold that back from the rest of his fans. It’s true. Marcin Gortat’s fun loving ass personality and its existence to us for the next five years is something to look forward to.

A guide, if you’ll take a gander, below:


He’ll take a clean, concise swipe back at a butt hurt Bulls fan:

gortat bulls fan


He’ll retweet a Celtics fan’s desire for him to play in Boston:

gortat celtics


Maybe it was this troll on the Celtics’ huddle during a game that intrigued the above fan:

BkQnKFZIUAAVy_a.jpg large


But nevertheless, Gortat still assured his beloved DC fans that he’s not going anywhere:

its all good gortat


Marcin also makes sure he’s in tune with the world’s finest porn stars, as well as Ernie Johnson:

marcin brazzers


He’s also fairly expressive with local media, as seen here chatting with J. Michael about Otto Porter:



He’s got a strong-loving Polska following in the area:

gortat polish crew


Andddd, he walks around with a pig on a leash in Poland:

gortat pig


Arguably, these sorts of outlandish, yet entertaining antics by a Wizards player would have been sorely frowned upon three years ago. Remember when we destroyed Nick Young and JaVale McGee for their cinnamon challenge? While the challenge was fairly corny, the bigger reason why many of us weren’t fond of the video was because Young and McGee weren’t remotely as effective basketball players as Gortat has been, naturally that making it much less favorable. At least that’s how I see it. With this team, I’d even bet we tolerate Bradley Beal hosting a lapdance party. Also, LOL @ Bradley Beal hosting a lapdance party.

For some who hate on Gortat’s new contract, it’s understandable the length of it is what’s bothering you. Sure it may be a bit outstretched and maybe a ‘mil’ too expensive, but let’s at least try to live with the fact that the Wizards have obtained some interior solidification on the floor, a passionate leader in the locker room, and one helluva an entertainer on social media. To Gortat, we appreciate you sharing the best day of your life with us, for we’d love to spend the rest of our lives with you. And that is not how this blog was supposed to end.

I’ll end it with this Ernie-Marcin pound fail instead.


we are Hoop District

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